AFTERMATH

After all the hysteria resulting from my new found pregnancy. Returning home to my apartment in silence. I was alone...

Alone to just have the thoughts of what was happening play over and over again in my mind and thinking about my responsibility. Remembering what people have told me, "You have a choice in what you want to do." And we all know what choice I am talking about. But did I really though? Did I really have a choice? I was faced with this decision before and I made the wrong one but THIS TIME, I was going to make the right one. Coming to grips with taking care of a child alone, you fast forward to questions like, "How am I going to work?" "Who is going to watch my child when I am at work?" "What do I even do after I have the baby?" "Where was my support being as though my family is scattered?" "Is my child's father going to be involved?" And despite the numerous conversations with him about his presence I didn't feel the support.

I know that's offensive you say, but ITS TRUTH! At this point I was able to choose the kind of mother I wanted to be.

But nevertheless the depression set in. So many nights I cried and prayed because of how terrified I was about having a child alone. The thoughts of "its not supposed to be this way." and "I'm supposed to be married." "My relationship was supposed to last." "What are people going to think?" was on CONSTANT replay!

But nevertheless, I decided to fight instead of taking flight. And I asked the Lord to see me through this.

In my head, all of a sudden I was alone. Taking this on mentally without the help of my family, concerned about putting a burden on them because after all I was everyone's project. I ALWAYS NEEDED HELP. And I hated it. But nobody really knew what I was going through or what I had truly been through.

I had the overwhelming support of my Pastor and his wife and some of their family. Which, even in much friction birthed a beautiful friendship that propelled me through. Then things went down...

I began to lose things, friends, some family, I lost my car, and almost lost my job because my new job was 45 mins away and I had no car. So I had to figure out how to get to my new job. Pregnant, I was getting on a bus and two trains, working 8hrs in an environment that made me want to vomit because of the overwhelming morning sickness. Exhausted but couldn't explain why yet. Then getting off late, taking the same two trains and bus home and then walking back to the silence of my apartment, sometimes in the cold....Alone.

Depressed, but pressed to continue. Just to get through not knowing I still had a long way to go. In silence...

Can you imagine? What next?

Lord please don't let anything else happen...